Haven't been posting blogs in years now,
These days I felt so hopeless, moody and sad..
I don't know it's because of him or it's just the weather,
It's supposed to be spring now, however the weather seems like it's still winter.
And it's raining everyday. Maybe god really knows my feeling now.
It has been bothering me this whole while,
Since I'm back in Adl for my 2nd sem, he has been so cold towards me.
He always said that I have another guy here, this made me scared coz all his action is like pushing me to other guys...
Yet, I'm still so naive waiting for his messages everyday..
This is how pathetic of my life.
And I don't know it's just me or what,
I noticed that he only messaged me first when he felt stress, tired, sick, sad and what not.
Why can't he message me every other time?? 
He always said "why you don't seem to msh me lately" or "don't you care about me any more?" 
Pft, how funny.. this make me wanna show him my cold smile and said "This is what I wanted to tell you.."
I'm not sure it's because of the distance, time zone or just that his love to me has just faded..
Every time he said I love you makes me wonder, is he just saying that out just to convince me? or is it real?
Why can't I see his love already??
Sometimes I really don't know what should I do..
I wanted to let go coz it's hurting me so much and I'm really tired already...
But deep down, I still wanna be with him.. I still believe that he's the one..
God, what should I do. I'm really suffering here..
I was looking at the photos that I've taken lately, when I smiled... you can see it really easily that I'm trying to fake a smile..
I really wanted to have my smile and laughter back..
Every time I smiled or laughed, deep down there's a knife cutting through me..
I'm really tired.. I've tried to make myself busy so that it wouldn't hurt that much..
I went around the city everyday with mom, went Malaysian carnival with sis, went studying with friends do all sorts of things to fill in the time on missing you..
But it is just not working.. it is still hurting me like hell..
I don't know how long that I can live in this world..
All this just make me want to end my life and stop suffering already..
I'm really really tired already, why can't you lean to me closer so that I can lean on your shoulder and cry out loud..