Sex in Your 20s and 30s

Sex, sex, sex… it’s a primary focus of our 20s and 30s. Hormones are pumping, exploration is in full gear and body image is slowly but surely improving. However, sex for the younger set is far from worry-free. Here’s how to overcome some common hurdles and glide toward sexual satisfaction…

Body Image Blues

While a 20-something woman’s body might be primed to take her to the heights of orgasmic bliss, her mind is often stuck repeating the same, self-deprecating track: I hate my thighs… If only I weighed 20 pounds less… I bet his ex had perfect abs.

The landmark 1997 Body Image Survey by Psychology Today found that 57% of women in their 20s were dissatisfied with their bodies. If you’re singing the body image blues, you may shy away from sex, not enjoy it fully or be so convinced your partner can’t possibly like you that you focus only on his pleasure.

How can you sing a different tune?
“Women must resist the overwhelming media message that how you look is the measure of who you are as a person,” says Patricia Barthalow Koch, Ph.D., president of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality.

Koch, a professor of biobehavioral health, women’s studies and human sexuality at Penn State University, suggests launching a full-scale personal offensive against the airbrushed ads and stick-thin body ideals that spoil real-life sex:

Think of your body for what it does rather than how it looks (i.e. walks to work, makes breakfast, hugs your partner, or comforts a friend).

Put a positive spin on something you consider negative by celebrating it as a unique “stamp” passed down through the generations of women in your family line, whether it’s big hips or a flat chest.

Visit CampaignForRealBeauty.com to find out what a model goes through to achieve “perfection” and to learn how pictures are computer-enhanced. As you’ll see, not even models look that good without a lot of help.

The Case of the Missing Orgasm

Maybe body-image blues aren’t the main source of frustration or insecurity in your sex life. The inability to orgasm is the primary sex issue for many women (and the men who love them).

“It’s a rampant misconception that most women achieve orgasm during intercourse,” says Searah Deysach, owner of Chicago’s Early to Bed, a female-friendly erotica shop. “Women’s bodies simply aren’t designed to climax from penetration.”

In fact, studies show that only about one-third of women regularly orgasm during intercourse. Another third need additional stimulation or prefer a different activity altogether and the final third rarely, if ever, get there.

If you’re suffering in silence and not coming – with him, with yourself or both – it’s time to become a detective in the case of the missing orgasm.
Most women are far more orgasmic from clitoral stimulation than from penetration, and 50% say they’ve faked an orgasm, so you’re not alone if you’re one of them. However, if you’re putting on an Academy Award-worthy performance every time you hit the sheets, it’s time to stop.

Sex therapists like Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author She Comes First (Regan Books, 2004), recommend that you don’t tell your partner you’ve been faking. Instead, make a fresh start. Tell him you want to try something new. Use Kerner’s book as a conversation starter, or just happen to leave a copy on the coffee table so he picks it up without you having to ask him to.

If you want to try for an intercourse orgasm, Deysach suggests using a small vibrator to help yourself along. “Vibrating cock rings are best for this,” she says. “It’s a flexible ring a guy wears on his penis during intercourse to provide hands-free stimulation to the clitoris.”

If he’s not sold on the idea of wearing one, try stimulating the clitoris with your (or his) fingers. Experiment with intercourse positions that cause his penis to rub up against your clitoris, like you on top or rear entry while you’re lying down.

The Good Girl

If you haven’t had an orgasm in a while or aren’t sure if you’ve ever experienced one, it’s time to get in touch with your own body.

Orgasm troubles are often the result of inhibition and shame from societal double standards, well-intentioned parents, less-than-well-intentioned parents, or abuse. Some women may not even recognize an orgasm, since the big O isn’t always the screaming Sharon Stone variety.

You’ve heard it before, but masturbation holds the key to a surprising number of our sexual woes. “The number one reason a woman can’t let go and enjoy sex with a partner is because she hasn’t masturbated,” Deysach says. “It’s much harder to relax and reach orgasm if you haven’t already brought yourself down that path.”

A couple of how-to books can help: Dr. Sadie Allison’s Tickle Your Fancy (Tickle Kitty Press, 2001) and the newly released I Love Female Orgasm (Marlowe & Company, 2007) by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.

Or shut the shades and try a vibrator. Remember, the average woman takes 20-30 minutes to reach orgasm. Deysach suggests a simple bullet shape for adjustable, direct stimulation that keeps going and going… and going.

Oh, Baby!

Motherhood is tough on your siren status. Immediately after you have a baby, sex-friendly hormones plummet and the nurturing hormone oxytocin spikes, which makes you want to nest, not get frisky. Lack of sleep and adjusting to a new lifestyle don’t exactly pave the way to sexual bliss either.

Lexy Zissu, co-author of The Complete Organic Pregnancy (Collins, 2006) and a new mom herself, says new parents need to lower their expectations and simply carve out time together to maintain intimacy. “Instead of focusing on sex and the overwhelming pressure [to perform], just set aside time to hang out and talk. Nap the baby in the carrier and take a walk while he or she is sleeping. Or lay in bed and just look at each other.”

Once you’ve recovered from the delivery and breastfeeding is no longer your baby’s only source of nutrition, you’ll start to feel your body coming back to life. Encourage it by having sex.

However, don’t expect your lovemaking to be like it used to be, Zissu warns. “Sex becomes a different, shorter experience,” she says. Often foreplay is minimal and “there are no more long nights of kissing and wine and romance. You do it and hope [the baby doesn’t] wake up!”
But no matter how time-crunched and tired you are, it’s important to stay focused on sex and the connection between you and your partner. Find a dependable babysitter or grandparent to fill the breach long enough for you and your hubby to take a night off now and then. Check into a hotel or at least enjoy a romantic dinner for two.

And don’t worry about the sorry state of your sex life; it’s temporary. The older your kids get, the more time you’ll have together to rediscover all the old pleasures that made sex great – like romance and foreplay.

Body Image: Do You Need A Boost?

Many women – young and old – struggle with body image, a key part of enjoying sex. While weight worries may tempt you to dim the lights, dissatisfaction with your body shouldn't distract you from having a great time in bed. It's about what your body can do, not just how it looks. Once you love your shape as much as your partner likely does, sexual satisfaction is sure to take on a whole new meaning. Take our body image quiz to find out if yours could use a boost.